Bailey's Modern Odyssey

(Based on Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends & Influence People)

Today, I want to talk to you about something that is seemingly impossible for some people and completely effortless for others: how to make people like you. In today’s society, people are often too consumed by making themselves stand out in the crowd that they don’t take the time to invest in other people. There are many ways to make people like you, but for the sake of your time, I’m going to cover three that I think are the most important:

1. Become genuinely interested in other people
2. Be a good listener, and encourage others to talk
3. Make other people feel important

Become genuinely interested in other people.

The New York Telephone Company made a study of telephone conversations to find out what the most frequently word used is. Can you guess it? “It’s the personal pronoun “I.” “I.” “I.” It was used 3900 times in 500 phone conversations. I, I, I, I.”

Far too often, people are concerned about themselves and don’t give enough thought to those around them. Get to know people! If we only try to impress others and get them interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends.

I once had a friend tell me she didn’t understand why all of my coworkers seemed to like me (which isn’t true, but I could understand why she thought that). I thought about it for a few days. Why did my coworkers keep coming to chat with me, even though they had their entire team to talk to? Then I realized the simple truth: I am (or act like I am) genuinely interested in their lives. When my coworkers talk to me, I ask them about their weekend, but I don’t let the conversation stop at a surface level. I push further.

For example, when I first met my coworker Michael, I asked how his weekend went, and he said, “I went to a concert.” I could have replied, “Oh cool, I just went to the gym and did chores,” and let it end there. But that isn’t going to make me any friends! That response is BORING! Instead, I asked Michael, “What concert was it?”, “Have you heard them live before?”, “Do you have any other concerts you’re going to soon?”. And before I knew it, every time Michael or I go to a concert, we chat each other’s ears off about it!

The first way to make people like you is to become genuinely interested in them. “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Let me repeat that: you can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Be a good listener. Encourage other people to talk about themselves.

There is one thing that people like talking about most: Themselves, and that is a good thing for us, because the more people talk about themselves, the more we get to know about them. “One way you can become genuinely interested in other people is to be a good listener and encourage them to talk about themselves,” which is pretty easy for most people.

Being a good listener doesn’t mean just throwing in a few head nods. It means hearing what the person is saying and then asking questions. The more questions you ask, the more you get to know them, and the more you get to know them, the more likely you are to become interested in that person and their life. Don’t be concerned about what you are going to say next or what story you want to tell when someone is done speaking, because if you are too busy thinking, then you aren’t busy listening and learning. When you encourage people to talk about what they like, eventually you will become interested in their interests.

Take time after the conversation to write down some facts you learned about them so you can recall these in future conversations. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to remind even some of my closest friends the company I work for. 

Showing someone you actually remembered and listened to what they told you will blow them away. 

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves than they are in you or pretty much anything else. The phone screen they just cracked is more devastating to them than your pet that just passed away. Being ghosted on a dating app means more to them than the twenty people who just got laid off at their office. People like people who are interested in them. Think about that they next time you converse with someone. 

Make other people feel important.

“You can do this in a variety of ways, from paying someone a compliment to being courteous, just make other people feel like they matter.”

Think about the last time someone gave you a compliment. Whether it was about your new shoes or how they noticed your hard work, I bet it made your day. Maybe even your entire week. Compliments are one of the easiest and quickest ways to make someone like you. You don’t just have to be drunk in a bathroom to give someone a genuine compliment. Tell your roommate she looks great in her new sweater! Tell your coworker how deserving they are of their new position! 

You almost never have to go out of your way to be courteous to someone. 

Use phrases like “Would you mind,” “Could you please,” “Thank you,” “I appreciate that.” If your Starbucks barista got your drink wrong, say “Excuse me, I actually asked almond milk instead of regular milk.” This sounds so much better than “You got my drink wrong.” Because trust me, those Starbucks employees probably have a million other things they’re thinking about, and it was most likely an honest mistake. Just be courteous to people! 

I currently work as a receptionist/office coordinator at an office with over 500 employees, and for those of you who have worked in customer service, you know exactly how stressful it can be. Some days are absolutely chaotic, with endless visitors, questions about the office, requests for conference rooms and food orders, and on and on. Often, people forget to say thank you and please. Or maybe they think that because I’m an office coordinator it’s just my job and they don’t need to be courteous to me. But when people go out of their way to do small things to show their appreciation, whether it’s holding open the door for me, cleaning up someone else’s coffee mess, or dropping off a treat, it always makes my day better. Always.

There are so many things in life that bring us down: the stress of work, relationship issues, missing your family or friends. There is nothing better than someone doing or saying something nice in the middle of a rough day. Let’s follow the golden rule: Do unto others what we would have others do unto us. But when? Where? All the time, everywhere.

It might be difficult at first to do these things. You might have to make a note of it and remind yourself to do it throughout the day, but eventually, it just becomes second nature, just like riding a bike or using a fork. Find ways to make people like you by focusing on them, not you. Be interested in them. Be a good listener. And make them feel important. To quote Dale Carnegie: “The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.”